Men who are trapped in sexual sin are not beyond reach. In fact, if you can believe it, they are already in a process by which God will call them into His purpose. To start, we hope you are encouraged by that. God is still sovereign and He will use this horrible things for good. 

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

Further, Warfare of Grace is most interested in taking a Biblical approach to sexual sin and restoration. God has set forth excellent principles for dealing with the fallout of sexual sin, and we have watched time and again as men have come out of their struggles and into freedom by the power of God. Below you will find some of these principles. We hope that these ideas can stand in stark contrast to the worldly framework of condemnation, by highlighting grace, gentleness, and restoration. 

1.) Hebrews 4:16: 

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Warfare of Grace is first and foremost concerned with your connection with God. However you are experiencing your relationship with God right now, we want to be the hands and feet of God's grace and mercy in your time of need, and invite you to turn to Him for help. Will you let us come along side you in love? We will constantly encourage you back to the greatest truth, that Jesus has paid for all the hurt and pain, making possible your eternal joy. No matter how it feels now, eternity rests in His loving hands. 

2.) Galatians 6:1-2: 

"Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."

Are you worried that people will be mean or put you down? We won't. We understand what it is like to go through recovery in this area. A spirit of gentleness will surround you while working with Warfare of Grace. We want to help to bear your burdens so you can feel strong in the midst of a trying time. In the end, our aim is to bring restoration to broken relationships, and restore anyone caught in sin to God.

3.) 2 Corinthians 2:5-8 

"Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure—not to put it too severely—to all of you. For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him."

Scripture teaches clearly that people who love bring conviction on themselves. The reality of having to deal with living in the light, and sin being seen clearly, will drive a man to healing. Warfare of Grace takes a stance of forgiveness and comfort, not wanting anyone to forget the saving power of Jesus Christ, or the freedom that comes with accepting our value in Him. We will provide supportive care and strong structures for recovery at the same time.

Sexual addiction is not about sex. It is about medicating the pain caused by broken, harmed and confused relationships. Because relationships are at the source of the issue, they are required to heal the hurt places inside. Once the inside is healed, the pressure to act our diminishes, and addicts are relieved from compulsion. 

So let's get practical. 

Obviously, we want the behaviors that cause such destruction in the lives of our loved ones to stop. Not only that, we want it to stop in OUR lives as well!  But how to do we practically do that? Following is a list of things you can DO to bring about healing recovery for your loved one and all those effected. This is not a comprehensive list, as the process to true healing is involved and will require help. But this can get you started down a right path of healing. 

1.) Reach Out to Community and Counsel

As we have already explained above, sexual addiction recovery is about healing relationships. At the core, relationships have been wounded and must be restored to reduce the behavior in real health. But how do you find healthy community? Obviously, Warfare of Grace is a healthy community, and you are welcome to schedule a discovery call so we can aid you. In addition to this, we recommend 3 kinds of community to support you through this time of trouble.

First, you will want a home church community that is authentic and grace filled. It is easy for us to get involved in a church, but is it easy to find people who will reach out and love you when things are all going wrong? Unfortunately, many people's interaction with the church has left hurt in their hearts. We encourage you to connect with a church that is biblically based, grace filled, and offers a care ministry that can support you personally. They might call it Christian mentoring, biblical counseling, care support or many other things, but if you get connected and ask the right people, they can get you to that. Many times these ministries become more practical for a church of a larger size, so finding a church of more than 300 might help you to get to these kind of services. Whatever the case, if the church you try out doesn't receive you with grace or steps outside of scripture for when leading you, feel free to move on to another place. These two elements, community and grace,  are vital for healthy recovery and redemption.

Second, it's vital that you have a small group of people who can know everything about your situation. Don't worry, you don't have to tell all right away, but eventually it will be very healthy to be able to open up. As you may imagine, this small group needs to be even more grace filled, as these people will be your place for laying your life care and receiving love. The key here is that they are able to know you and express love towards you. They don't have to have the answers, but rather are just bodies who care for you. It's important to note that some well meaning people will feel the need to push you to share. While we understand that it can be a very good and healthy thing to share, people who press it often have accidental subconscious motivations. If you feel like you are being interrogated or if there are some who seem intent in getting into every detail of your life, it can be a good and healthy choice to step away from that group and find another that gives you room to breathe. Furthermore, if you feel like you do not have the capacity to make such a decision, give us a call and we'll help you decide. 

Finally, we recommend actively looking for a mentor who has been through a similar struggle. Unlike a counselor, this mentor is someone who can simply anchor you to the scriptures and remind you of eternal truth.  Since they have been there, they can share from their story, and together you can do all the hurting you need to in a safe place. Mentors have the ability to give the kind of advice that only experience grants, and it is invaluable.  

But what about counsel? Any man who is struggling through a recovery process should connect with someone who has walked the path before. Warfare of Grace is here for them and if this is you or your loved one, it's time to set up a discovery call and begin to take back ground on this problem! A counselor's primary role is to help you, or your loved one, to make sense of the story they have lived. Many people who act out don't really know why they do - other than surface level excuses. Coaches work with one's backstory to create coherent narratives and thus bring clarity and understanding to current behaviors. It is amazing what happens when a man knows why he is doing what he is doing. Suddenly he gets to choose his behaviors. Jesus got it right, "the truth will set you free!" (John 8:31-32) Without this key component of truth, a man is not able to make significant long term changes. Warfare of Grace is on stand by, and we'll start when you're ready!

2.) Connect with God.

Maybe the most pernicious piece of sexual sin is it's ability to warp the mind. Our brains have very powerful survival processes that, through trauma or addiction, can get set to a constant state of "high alert". This high alert overcomes our moral thinking parts of the brain and leave us vulnerable to compulsion. The body beleives that the acting out will bring real safty. Obviously, this creates multiple problems worth mentioning. First, it continues the cycle of acting out. Not only does it make us vulnerable, but it increases anxiety, chemical imbalance and increased sex drive. It sets us up to be compulsive AND removes our ability to reason. But beyond this is a second issue. The heightened state is adverse to engaging with God! By putting us in survival mode, we feel very far from the experiential presence of our loving Creator. This can lead us to major questions like, "Does Go really love me?" or "Is God even there?" And since we are flooded with the dominating chemicals associated with stress and danger management, we don't have the capacity to deftly answer any of them. It destabilizes us. 

The destabilization does not stop with the sexual addict. Instead, it reaches out to his family systems and offsets them too. As it turns out, men are the emotional backbone of the family. A healthy husband will be a great blessing and foundtion for healthy wives and kids, but an unhealthy man will bring confusion and dissention into the home so no one can find their footing. This means that everyone in the family needs a firm foundation. 

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” Matthew 7:24-27

In these times of destabilization, we come to realize that we need someone who will ever be faithful. We need a rock. Jesus is that rock. Connecting with God is a fast track to eternal, unbreakable truth! When we build our lives on that truth, we are strong. To know what I'm talking about, take some time and think about this wonderful proclamation by Jesus, "I have called you friends." (John 15:15) Does that change anything for you? I don't know about you, but when everything became terribly difficult in my life, I quickly realized that I had few friends. But thanks be to God, who sent Jesus and now I AM a friend of God. Just knowing that I am not alone, and that the God of the universe is the one with me, has changed the way I perceive my moment to moment life. Prayer takes on new life, and I think differently about my worth and purpose. it calms me down and makes clear the path to dwell in the house of he Lord. That's good stuff! 

3.) Read Quality Information about Recovery

The issue of sexual addiction is complicated to say the least. While many of the concepts involved can be summed up in what sounds like a shallow catchphrase (i.e. - God loves you!), the actual implications of those phrases go to the deepest places of our soul. Here are just a few of the major areas of our person that is effected by sexual addiction:

• Trauma Profiles
• Arousal Templates
• Marriage and Intimacy
• Soul care/self care
• Balanced living
• Brain chemistry
• Isolation/Secrecy
• Spiritual Formation
• Sex and Gender Studies

In truth, this kind of work is about lifestyle change, and as such you and your loved ones will need to gather new ways of living life to that sexual addiction is never allowed to wreak havoc in your world again. We have put together a resources page that we are constantly adding to that you can check out. There is much to learn.

4.) Keep Conversation Going 

It is certainly painful to live within the reality of sexual sin and it's constant presence in our lives. Many of us would rather it just go away, and often pray for that very thing. but is that the best thing? The truth is, if we go back to what we would call "normal" the processes that make sexual sin rise to the surface and present in acting out will live on unaddressed. Soon, we are back in the same place, or a worse place, as before. This moment, then, where we are hurting and unsure what to do is an opportunity to do what MUST be done to get rid of sexual sin. We must keep the conversation going as long as needed for their to be real change. As a person with a loved one that struggles with sexual sin, it is a way for you to show love to them by seeking their good even if they do not want to seek it for themselves.   Understand, this is not a way for us to "push" healing onto them, but to make sure that we do not ignore the reality of the hurt and sin that has happened. Once of Warfare of Grace's favorite terms is, 

We must allow reality to exist.

There is no need to constantly nag about or present constantly the sin that a loved one deals with. Instead, just let it exist. If you are a spouse, set a healthy boundary against sexual intercourse until your spouse has sought help. After all, it is not your job to make him feel better through using your body. Sex should be a trusting, freeing, worshipful experience, not a down payment for future services. Another way to allow it to exist is to take action to protect loved ones. If the sexual addict is using porn regularly, research and pursue programs like Covenant Eyes, Ourpact, Qustodio, or Accountable2You (all are linked to our resources page) and speak with them about how to implement protection for your children as well as themselves. Finally, if the addict is performing a behavior of denial that will lead to more hurt for your family (such as "going out with the guys" which will surely lead to acting out) you are encouraged to tell him how that makes you feel and follow up with appropriate action if needed. All these scenarios can be done while still caring for your spouse. This kind of thinking simply puts priorities in order. Don't let the hurt go to waste, allow reality to exist. 

5.) Set boundaries for safety.

For women who genuinely love their spouses, this can be the hardest part of the process. The truth is, sexual addiction brings real harm with it. That harm seeps into every relationship that the man has, and it makes interacting with the addict difficult and often unpredictable. These difficulties present in numerous ways and, while all sexual addiction is harmful, many times difficulties becomes truly unsafe. A man who cannot control himself is often prone to violent outbursts, harmful sexual behaviors, manipulative or coercive speech, other addictions, egregious spending, emotional abuse and many more. It simply follows that sexual addiction will lead to dangerous waters. 

Because of this unpredictable danger, it is critical that spouses and loved ones be supported to put boundaries in place that keep them, and those they are in authority over, safe. While the application of this principle is non negotiable (for the safety of the spouse as well as the benefit of the addicts healing) it is broad and should be considered uniquely in each scenario. No two couples are the same, and circumstances change with other relationships as well. This is a conversation that should be had with someone who understands sexual addiction and can honestly asses healthy steps forward. We hope that you will consider giving us a call and letting us help you to choose the right path for you and your loved one! 

Final Thoughts:

There is a lot of information on this page, and we hope that you have been able to find multiple truths that are helpful in your journey. We implore you not to travel this path alone, but to allow someone who really knows speak into your life. We are ready to come alongside you. You are loved.