The Sex Addiction Recovery Bulls Eye
At the foundation of all Addiction Recovery is willfulness. Like a sports coach, we ask the question, “how bad do you want it?” The men or women that are in need of healing must want to heal, or nothing will come of it. Three factors that seriously affect this are:
- God’s take on free will.
- Perception’s central role.
- Capturing hearts.
Before embarking on a journey of sexual addiction recovery, we must consider these things and find a target to shoot at.
God’s take on free will.
It is a popular catchphrase in our current culture that God “will do anything” to be with us. While it’s good and right to think about the mighty love of God, His love is not entirely like our love. Humans think that real love will prevent hardship simply because hardship is… hard. God’s love says that real love cannot exist without the natural consequences that come from choice. One of the only absolutes that God will not defile is the free will of man to choose sin or love. God will not remove our brains and replace them with brains that are not sexual. Instead, he calls us into a healing relationship. In other words, God is going to expect for each man who decides to take this healing journey to choose it for himself. It is only in the free will of love that healing can occur. This is the path God has chosen, and He does not violate that.
Perception’s central role.
People say a lot of things. We often spout phrases and opinions that we do not actually believe. These things we speak may be very good, and often they are, but they are not what we believe. They are what we wish we could believe or what we think it would be right to believe. Our perceptions are different. Our perceptions are the practical application beliefs that define how we behave from moment to moment. If I think the Bible is true, it won’t necessarily be on my mind when I’m in the bar drinking. If I perceive the Bible to be true, I will operate as though the statues within it affect my life. I will make different decisions if my perceptions change.
A simple example of this is the way that we talk about God. Many people talk about God as a loving, caring entity, but live their lives as though He is a lightning bolt throwing condemner. We forget that the only reason that God is ever separated from us is because sin blocks us off from Him. That same sin is what we are to rise above with the help of the Holy Spirit to bring glory to our Almighty God! In this scenario, the person thinks that God is loving, but on a practical level believes (perceives) that God is hateful and mean. When we view this in our communities it’s difficult to see in Bible Studies (where we talk about our thoughts about God) and easy to see at our workplace (where the real stuff takes place).
Capturing Hearts
We say that God is interested in the heart of a man, but what does that mean? For addiction recovery, it means two things. First, the heart of a man is the seat of the emotions. God is interested in capturing our relational, emotional heart and walking with us in real love. Second, the heart is the only really validating source of belief. It is the place from which we act on our perceptions. It is the access point for those perceptions. For the sexual addict, it becomes clear that without a changed heart we will never have a long term life change. The practical application of this is that we allow men to find their own perception and change it from their own heart. We do not simply hand out answers to people, because that ignored the burrowing work of the Holy Spirit that primes the soul for receiving those answers. Without this Holy Spirit work, no man will receive instruction. If they do not receive instruction, they cannot heal. We must allow God to do His heart work in individuals who “work out their own faith with fear and trembling”.
The Results of an Unwillful Experience
So what happens if we do not allow men to exercise their free will to change their perceptions by self-realization in the heart? Unfortunately, it creates a sort of inoculation to the changing power of the material and even to the transforming renewal of the Holy Spirit. Addictions can absorb anything as a part of their addictive process… even recovery programs. If a man enters into the program and does not give himself to it, he will ultimately achieve a higher form of addiction that makes it even harder to break through. Indeed, this is the process that many fundamental believers go through over and over again that crafts such a tough enemy to begin with. We must resist this at all costs! While it will at first seem to be good and productive work, it will eventually turn and further destroy the individual. In this case, we turn to other, more beneficial endeavors.
The Holy Role of the Church
While willfulness can seem to make the situation much harder, it actually simplifies the process that the church may apply itself to. Instead of the church feeling as though it must wring addiction out of its members (the body of Christ), it turns its attention to filling the church with the Holy Spirit – motivating a laying down of the old self and investing in the conviction to change. As an added bonus, this is the nature of the word of God. It is inviting and convicting all at the same time. With proper application of the word of God, men can be T’d up to change by the realization of God’s grace, even in their depravity and destruction. It is this realization of their deep need for rescue that with creating a strong foundation for healing.
As an example: I have often met men who come to a group such as mine and get engaged only to find out that it is far more real and intense than they expected. They will walk away, convinced that they do not need a solution so stark. Most of these men will return when the addiction has so damaged them that they see no alternative. When they DO return, they are ready to do the hard work because they recognize their own weakness.
But this is not the way God hopes it will happen. I am convinced that God wants people to see their depravity in light of the grace He offers and to be motivated to go further into that grace. This motivation propels men as much, or more, than their own sin (or the destruction it is creating). Wouldn’t it be glorious to see men coming forward before they have a catastrophic failure? I think so. God desires this. And this is how the church can rightfully orient men towards healing. Through conviction about the pain sin creates and the glory that God’s grace makes possible.
Practical Steps of the Church
In an attempt to effectively communicate about the destructive properties of sin and the power of God’s grace here are some practical ideas.
- Sexual Purity Sermon Series Launch – 4-8 Weeks sharing the truth about pornography, sex trade, proclivities and the biblical stance on marriage, sexuality, and purity.
- Connecting with a new missionary or group that fights for purity – 3X Church, Covenant Eyes, Catalyst Ministries and many others can give a great perspective on these issues. Tell the church all about it.
- Purchase and wear Warfare of Grace swag during church services, men’s events, or
- Facilitate a “Digital Natives” workshop, conference or weekly study for parents of kids that only know a world with the internet in it.
All of these options are attempts to bring the issue of sexuality to the forefront and allow for natural conversation and engagement. As a general rule, it is good to implement the topic as casually as possible – after all, it’s not a faux pas, it’s a critical piece of our faith. So critical, in fact, that Christ uses it as a metaphor for His love for the church.
In the end, there‘s no substitute for a whole church movement towards sexual purity. With a good marketing campaign and loving-kindness men are ready to start talking about this. As pastors, teachers, elders, and members of a willing church, you can aid in the battle by just being open and loving. Together we will live out the words of Paul, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.”
If you would like to partner with Warfare of Grace in your church contact us here!